Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Amnesty

OK

Let's be serious for a moment:

Amnesty are encouraging people to defy political censorship of the internet by publishing excerpts of censored material on their own websites or blogs.

So here's my contribution:



This will call up a different excerpt every time the page is refreshed, from an Amnesty database of material that has been unjustifiably censored.

Cheers.

Monday, May 22, 2006

19th hole embarrassment

On Saturday, I found myself meeting a friend for lunch at his private golf club (I don't play golf, I just eat food with people who do).

As we approached the bar to order drinks, I noticed I was getting a lot of eye contact from one of the barmaids. A pretty young thing, obviously struck by my manly presence, and unable to tear her quivering brown eyes away from my enigmatic gaze. When she had finish serving her less distracting clientele, she approached us shyly, leaned over towards me and whispered...

"Sorry Sir, but we do have a dress code. Next time you come, please wear a collar".

Damn it.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Doppelganger




I really should have better things to do than type my own name into my iTunes music shop.

But apparently I don't.

Ladies and Gentlemen, with his hit singles, "Zwei Cappuccino", and "Crazy Gina" please welcome...

The Other Peter Gold.

(Click on the little speaker symbol to hear a snatch)

Making an Arsenal of myself

A few days ago, I was voicing a 5 Live promo for last night's Arsenal / Barcelona match.

Those who know me appreciate that I know more about needlepoint than I do about football, but still, everyone knows how to pronounce the Arsenal Captain's name, surely?

Not I.

When faced with the words "Will Henry and the boys overcome the Spanish challengers...?" I enunciated a nice clear HEN-ry, and was shortly afterwards interrupted by guffaws from the producer.

For heaven's sake, why can't the man spell it "Henri".

I'll give him Va-va-voom, the big french runner bean.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Three Left Feet

I should be re-writing my one man show, but instead, I'm tinkering with my blog.

Last night, the missus and I went to Bar Cuba in Kensington, for a salsa lesson.

Maybe I've been working too hard, or maybe it was the pound of yaki udon I'd wolfed down at Wagamama's two minutes before, but I danced like a Sumo wrestler in syrup.

Now, I'm not exactly Wayne Sleep at the best of times (although I do have curly hair and a chiselled arse), but this was a shocking performanc even by my own low standards. I couldn't work out which way to turn the missus, which way my hips were jointed, or even what number comes after four. We bashed elbows, knocked knees, and grimaced at each other. I gripped Clare's hands so tightly that I left marks in them. In short, every ounce of fun was sucked out of the evening.

It wasn't helped by the fact that one of the other guys in the club a) danced really well and b) smelled so pungent that the only place to breathe uncontaminated air was right underneath the air-con outlet, but really, I'm getting side-tracked.

I think I need private lessons, or surgery, or both.



By the way, today's caption competition: the most innovative answer for the picture above will win... well... my respect.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Cuban Holiday



Click here to see the photos of our Cuban Holiday.

The wife and I are much refreshed after 10 days in Cuba. The flight out was tiring: partly because my knees were waging a constant battle with the bozo in front, who wanted to recline into my already non existent legroom, and partly because Virgin just had too many good films on to allow any sleep!

We spent our first 4 days in Havana, which, to coin a guide book cliché, is very much a city of contrasts. Pristinely restored 5 star hotels tower over derelict colonial buildings; many in the process of being demolished; many with their top floors collapsed but their bottom floors inhabited by large families with strings of washing hanging from the balcony. The postcard views of streets full of shiny old 50s american cars are entirely accurate. Like the buildings, some are beautifully kept; shiny metallic paint job, glistening chrome bumpers, glossy red leather upholstery, and thrusting hood ornaments, echoing a time when the whole world was in love with these glorious monsters; some were dilapidated, held together with duct tape, paintwork long since mottled by rust, exhausts belching out puffs of bluish smoke, guys running along behind, push-starting them. A lot of cars were soviet Ladas and the like, and the main form of public transport seemed to be a twin chassis container full of people, pulled by a big old truck rig. A juggernaut with windows. The affectionate name for these hideous things is the camel.

Havana itself is a lively, vibrant place. In some parts locals vye for tourists' attention: offering taxis, photos, rides in horsedrawn carriages, conversation, and occasionally an opportunity to get fleeced (although there are no scams a polite but insistent "No" won't put an end to). But turn a corner, and suddenly, the tourist is no longer king. This is real Havana, where kids play ball games in the street, old women lean against walls, sucking large cigars in their toothless mouths, and policemen in smart uniforms keep a stern eye on the whole scene.

Another guide book cliché with some truth in it is the assertion that there's music on every street corner. More accurately, there's music in every bar (and there are plenty of those). We got serenaded wherever we ate or drank, and invariably bought the group's CD afterwards. Sadly, the jumping nightlife scene didn't materialise. We did hear of some clubs in the residential parts of Havana (where we'd been told not to go after dark, nor even in daylight if we could avoid it). So we saved the salsa dancing for later.

The guide books also like to tell you that Cuba has one of the finest health services in the world, although when my wife took the stitches out of my hand (she did a brilliant job by the way, although I nearly fainted afterwards, like a big wilting pansy), it took us all morning to find a pharmacy or a first aid centre that possessed any elastoplast, let alone steri-strip!

We were then supposed to transfer to an exclusive island resort, but the travel company cancelled this about ten minutes before we got in the taxi. So instead, we went to a rainforest resort, where we went on long hot walks, swam in rivers, showered under waterfalls, soaked in mineral baths, and luxuriated in mudpacks and massages. We watched vultures swoop gracefully over the lush valley in which our hotel nestled, saw the sun set over the ruins of a restaurant, and ate more food than we thought possible in one sitting (well, that was mostly me actually).

Then on to La Moka, an eco-hotel, built around the trees. One enormous tree grows straight up through three floors, and through a hole in reception, right up through the roof - it's beautifully done. From here, we had views of another lush valley, in the eco-reserve of Las Terrazas, which thirty years previously had been a deforested wasteland, until Castro ordered the reforestation of 5000 acres of land with 6 million trees. A stunning achievement, and a stunning place.

Finally, we transferred to Varadero, a fairly unattractive Cost-Del-Sol style development the other side of Havana, where we'd been determined not to go, but now had no choice, thanks to our travel company messing things up. Having said that, the beach was fantastic, and the sea warmer and shallower than most baths! We had a very relaxing few days here, thanks in part to the all-inclusive bar! We also went to a fabulous Mambo club, and danced the night away.

All in all, we'd thoroughly recommend Cuba. In fact, the sooner the better, before Castro dies, and the Americans move in to build a Starbucks on every corner!